Skip to main content

Is anyone reading this? Can you see me? Are you listening? *Silence*

 


I've never been good at verbalizing my words, or putting my thoughts into words in a way others can understand. It seems they begin to lose interest when I speak. Maybe they've heard what I'm saying too many times, and I just don't remember telling them. Maybe I'm just not that interesting or I talk way too much and they're tired of hearing my voice? However, when I put things on paper and they read it they express that they were inspired or how much they enjoy what I wrote, or how true it was. Whatever it may be, it is much less frustrating for me if I can write it down. 

I'm good at writing, but I think I'm even better at wearing this mask and smiling through the pain and regret I feel constantly. I smile, even when I have nothing to smile about. I pretend to be happy and to be strong and resilient, but I am really just a weak mess. I am constantly overwhelmed with anxiety and my brain never seems to slow down. I worry over things until I'm sick to my stomach and have to research things in order to come to an understanding and become calm again. I pretend to be fearless, but I'm really scared to death. I'm honest and I tell the truth, but I am so gun shy when it comes to men that my cautious nature derived from multiple traumas, apparently comes off as being sketchy or sneaky. The reality is, I am terrified of repeating the past, which I've done so many times.  I lie, don't get me wrong. I lie to myself about my own feelings, my wants, and my needs. I appear to have it together, and I know what to do to get things done, but the reality is I'm a big fake. I don't have it all together, I'm just better at telling others what they need to do. I live a life of hypocrisy and regret. I try so hard and do what I do, because I just want someone to be proud of me and love me. I have a need to feel accepted and wanted. I give so much of myself, and it doesn't matter how much I allow someone to take from me if they just say they love me. It doesn't matter if they deserve what they take or if they've earned it, because they loved me when they did....until they don't. This is why love has become something so temporary for me, and I've yet to meet anyone who whole-heartedly loved me or expected nothing more than my love in return. Just me. Just my presence or my energy, no conditions. 

The value others place on me or what I am worth to them, is merely what I have to offer them or what I can do for them. I can go the extra mile and bend over backwards for others, and I often do, but the return I typically get is the bare minimum as if it so they can feel they have returned something and feel as if they contributed in some way. Not for me, but so they feel good about what I've allowed them take. Love has destroyed me, or the idea of it has. Since I can remember, I've just felt like this lost and unfortunate soul who is either just unloveable or unwanted. Then, when someone shows me just the tiniest bit of love or desire, I feed right into it and give them whatever they want. Pathetic, right? Sadly, the paths I travel are paths leading to culdesacs that lead me right back to where I started. It's endless and painful. My heart has been broken so many times, the pieces don't even fit back together anymore. Some pieces are long gone, some were stolen and never returned, and some just overlooked and eventually lost. The cracks in my heart will never be repaired, and the pain that's left there will remain until it becomes unbearable. It can't be wished away. I am running low on energy and no longer have the drive or willingness to put that mask on. I lack motivation to even continue moving forward, especially when i know my efforts will just go un-noticed or unappreciated. I lack ambition, because what's the point really? I was never ambitious for myself anyways, it was for everyone else. I just wanted them to love me. It feels as if everything I've accomplished was never for me, and even if I cut myself off from the world it would go un-noticed, because I'm invisible. My purpose has always been for others and what I can do for them. They just discard me when they get what they want. They say, "all who wander are not lost." So very true, some who wander are just the used and forgotten that nobody sees anymore.

I look back at my life and wonder how anyone can know my story and the hurt I have felt, then can turn around and add more hurt or do the similar things that I have experienced in the past. How could someone know what I've been through, then want to cause more damage, showing no remorse. 





Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Blah blah blacksheep

 Although my birth was amidst the rare blizzard that ensued on March 20, 1984, it created a different chaos for those I was was born to. My conception was an unwanted surprise to two individuals who came from very different backgrounds and who had only recently graduated high school and entered adulthood. It was evident early on that neither was ready for the challenges of parenthood, causing my father to take off and be absent for the first phase of my life. As a result, there is no father listed on my birth certificate and I was given my mother's maiden last name. It took a few years, but with the influence of his mother and prospective wife, he came around. However, in spite of his presence here and there, he was still mostly absent...physically and emotionally. It was clear that my mother harbored animosity towards him by her cold demeanor in his presence. She spoke very little to him or about him, especially if I was in earshot. In fact, I remember waiting for him to pick me u...
1 comment
Read more

Who pee'd in the dating sespool?

 Seriously guys? I get it. Women are batshit crazy. Listen Linda, I've been on a few dates recently. We did not get that way on our own. Let me just recap a few of the dates I've been on in the more recent months.  Date 1: Picture this. I'm standing outside at the Hard Rock Casino, minding my own business. Suddenly there is breaking glass and yells. A man darts in my direction, stands directly next to me and says, "I don't know those people. I'm not with them, I'm with you, we are here together and we don't know those people." I laugh a little and respond with, "Well, I guess you're in the right place. That my friend, is alcohol abuse."I see the confusion on his face, so I go on to explain I work in mental health and substance abuse. He seems intrigued, asks if I'm single and for my phone number. I give it to him, but overhear his buddies giving him hell and let them know I gave him the wrong number anyways and re-enter the buildi...
1 comment
Read more

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes....divorce.

 I think I have cracked the code to why women are crazy. I know what you're thinking...this bitch is the crazy one, but hear me out. Since a very early age, women are subject to a plethora of information regarding relationships. For instance, when we are very young we fall victim to the story lines of fairytales like Cinderella or Snow White. These are young women who have experienced multiple traumas, have lost hope in love and happiness, but in the end their 'Knight' comes swooping in on his big white horse and saves the day. Always a happy ending and always what sets the tone for our perception of relationships and what they should be like. As we grow older, we eventually come to the understanding that these are not based on true stories and the characters are fictional. However, that does not mean that we don't experience similar life events that sends our minds reeling back to these fairytale romances and hope the happy ending scenario will play out. The reality of...
Post a Comment
Read more