Blah blah blacksheep

 Although my birth was amidst the rare blizzard that ensued on March 20, 1984, it created a different chaos for those I was was born to. My conception was an unwanted surprise to two individuals who came from very different backgrounds and who had only recently graduated high school and entered adulthood. It was evident early on that neither was ready for the challenges of parenthood, causing my father to take off and be absent for the first phase of my life. As a result, there is no father listed on my birth certificate and I was given my mother's maiden last name. It took a few years, but with the influence of his mother and prospective wife, he came around. However, in spite of his presence here and there, he was still mostly absent...physically and emotionally. It was clear that my mother harbored animosity towards him by her cold demeanor in his presence. She spoke very little to him or about him, especially if I was in earshot. In fact, I remember waiting for him to pick me up for the weekend and my mother not speaking a word about him being late. Then he was later, it got darker and darker, and finally she convinced me to come in and wait. He never showed and she never said a word about it. 

The earliest part of my life was spent trying to figure out where I fit in and where I belonged. I knew I was different from my cousins, but I wasn't sure why. We moved a lot and I attended 9 different schools, which contributed to my ability to adapt in less than favorable situations. By middle school, I had developed confidence when entereing a new school. I literally walked in like I owned the place, and had attended my whole life. Considering I was always the new kid, I knew how it felt to stand out or feel out of place. In turn, I developed compassion and empathy for others. My compassion and empathy for others came in the form of standing up for the underdog or inviting someone to eat with me at lunch, because they're sitting alone. When someone poked fun at another because of their physical deficits, I would go to bat for them and make sure the bullying party knew just how awful they were for doing such a thing. While it may come as shocking, this earned me respect. I was not trying to be a hero and I am definitely not bragging, I just understood what it felt like to feel as if you did not belong or nobody accepted you, because I felt that everyday when I went home. I didn't want anyone else to feel that way, and to this day I do my best to include and accept everyone else, even when nobody else will. 

Many have compared this situation to Romeo and Juliet, that's if they had a child and were faced with real world problems. Basically, Juliet lacked motherly instinct and the ability to nurture the child before her. Her hesistance to be a mother, solely stemmed from her feelings of regret, animosity, and the grudge against my father for his wrong doings, and those are feelings she still has in the present day. Romeo, rather than drink the poison decides to disappear and only returns at the hands of others...but he had never wanted to return in the first place and keeps the child at a distance, never really developing a true bond. His family acting in the same fashion and never really accepting the child but, wanting to put on a show for those around them in an effort to avoid any backlash for their lack of involovement. The battle of the birth certificate and name change was ongoing, at least until my grandmother passed away. Her and I did not have much of a relationship over my refusal to change my last name as a teen, and the end result was being removed from her will and ultimately shunned from the family. In death, she got one last blow in by listing me as a grandchild in her obituary...but with my father's last name despite never changing it or carrying it in my lifetime.

The weekends of my childhood were either spent with my maternal cousins or paternal cousins, mostly of which lived near or on the same street. Two cousins literally lived across the street, rode the same bus and attended the same school, when I was in a attendance or living in the area. (this was back and forth, depending on my mother's relationship status) We were more like siblings than cousins, and grew up pretty close. This however didn't change the fact that I was treated differently. My mother's side considered my father's family trash and beneath them, while my father's side considered my mother's stuck-up and snobbish.  As such, I was treated in the same fashion and continue to be. In fact, I have never been the self-proclaimed 'blacksheep', but those words have actually been spoken. At a family gathering a few years ago, they were actually spoken in the presence of my daughters and the rest of the family. My aunt, who is the youngest of my mother's siblings, expressed it very loudly after her son was busted breaking into my vehicle. I have not attended a family gathering since, due to my other aunt teaming up with her and harassing me about my social status that was too far beneath them. I believe the words used were, "You'll always be the black sheep of this family. Nobody will ever accept you." Words that will forever be burned into my soul, and the primary reason I have not seen most of my family since.

I chose to explain this particular occurence in life, because the recent holidays were more difficult than normal, and it had a strong effect. People close to me took notice, and the common question was, "What did you do to cause your family not to talk to you?" In all honesty, I think most people assume it is the black sheep's doing, that has caused them to earn that status. It is obviously not always the case, as you see here, I was just born that way. Close friends and former spouses of my mother would agree, and have always shown their sympathy for what they have called an "unfair shake." There is a positive side to all of this and the unfortunate circumstances. I believe this is what instilled the motivation and drive needed to chase my dreams and achieve my goals. In fact, all of the negative aspects of my life have seemingly lead to positive outcomes. 

My gypsy soul and character was shaped and molded due to being so nomadic and having to learn to adapt to multiple environments, cultures and demographics. My free-spirited nature was formed from instability, an ever changing enviornment, and having to quickly adapt to new environments. Finally, my rebellious attitude and independent demeanor are evidence of a hard life and I was primarily on my own at a very young age. Strength and knowledge, paired with education and experience, are all I need to be successful in life. I may have haters and that leads to oppossition. Where there is oppossition, there is opportunity.