Äll it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul, and they will never notice how broken you really are.: ˜Robin Williams
Robin Williams chose a career of making people laugh, and expressed that he chose that path as his profession, because he knew what it was like to be made to feel absolutely worthless and he did not want others to feel that kind of sadness. Did anyone notice that he was hiding his own sadness behind his smile and want to make others happy? The man considered by most to be the funniest man alive, no longer lives, and is potentially the saddest man to have lived. August 11, 2014, Robin Williams was found dead and to have died by suicide.
One of my favorite public speakers, Brenae Brown, won her claim to fame after publicly having a mental breakdown. She is best known for shedding light on human response to vulnerability. In her research she has concluded, "vulnerability is not winning or losing. It's having the courage to show up when you cannot control the outcome." What does that mean to me? Well, I have always said I stand on my word. They may be bigger and stronger and I may get my ass whooped, but I won't back down or run scared. In the end I might take an ass whoopin, but they can never say I was a coward or a pussy. Let me tell ya, I've taken plenty of beat downs. Physically, emotionally, and mentally I've had my ass whooped, and I've been knocked down on my ass, but I don't stay down long. I've always showed up, stood my ground and the outcome has typically been irrelevant to me. As long as I got my point across, nobody...and I mean nobody, has whipped my ass worse than life itself. Still her I am, and still I'm standing on my own two feet. Why or what for is beyond me, I've yet to find my purpose or the meaning of life, but still I exist...even if I cease to exist in the world of others.
The majority of my life I've fought to be loved and accepted. I placed my worth and value in the hands of others, and in most cases was nothing more than pocket change. I don't know when, but at some point I think I gave up and just settled for whatever was thrown in my direction, instead of demanding what I know deep down I was deserving of. The end result? A multitude of failed and disastrous relationships, and the uncanny ability to ignore the bad and evil in others, whether it be a 'friend' or romantic partner. I would accept what I was given and convince myself that was th best life could offer and maybe these people needed me to reach their own potential. Maybe just maybe, if I put forth the effort and provide them with all the assistance they needed, the return would be their love and admiration. Maybe, they would value me the way I did them and they would pay me for all of my efforts, by providing the love I needed in return. They needed me alright, and in return provided the bare minimum they needed to in order to continue using what I was willing to give them so freely. They used every resource and consumed every bit of effort I would allow, until there was nothing left to take. They used up everything they could, then at the slightest hint there was nothing much left, they hit the door running. I was merely just a stepping stone in their journey, and when they were done I was kicked off the ledge and left as a pebble in a canyon filled with other rocks. In some cases, they stick around and attach a string to dangle me over the ledge, just to pull me back in when I can be useful and return me once they've reached their goal. Eventually, they let go of the string and return me to that pile of rocks.
You know that moment you've been around a friend or relative for too long, and yáll start getting under each other's skin. Like everything they do irritates you, and things begin getting kind of awkward in each other's presence due to your lack of patience, and irritability? Then your mom enters the room and says it's time for yáll to take a break, because you've spent too much time together. They go home and a couple days later everything is cool again and back to normal. This is a feeling I know all too well, as its been a consistent in my life. Once I'm around for a while and have provided for the needs of the person in my company, I begin to get that feeling I have overstayed my welcome. It's a low-key way of knowing my work is done and I am no longer needed. Time to move along. I just feel like I am an unwanted burden, so reluctantly I go. This causes me to isolate myself from others and spend my time in solitude. Although my lonlieness is sometimes unbearable, I have too much pride to be a burden to anyone else and find sanctuary in my own solitude. Plus, I don't want to be responsible for wasting anyone else's time, no matter if they waste mine or not. So I sit and wait until someone needs me again, and someone knows if they give me just a millisecond of their time I'll go above and beyond for them, and give them as much as my time as they need. The saddest part being, I am fully aware that this is the general consensus, yet I do it anyways to alleviate the sadness I feel or the feeling of being lonely. I accept it nonetheless, because I can't stand to see others sad and struggling. Perhaps, this is why Robin Williams put so much of his effort into making others laugh, even though at times he found it thankless and unrewarding.
Why do we do we just accept things, regardless of the outcome or how it makes us feel? Why do we choose to show up, when we know there is no benefit or reward? Is it because there is the tiniest chance there might be a reward? That is vulnerability. We show up, because we hope for the happy ending even though we know there is the potential for let down and disappoint. Yet, we do it anyways for that tiny possibility of victory. Even if the temporary reward is alleviating the sadness from being lonely. Temporary gratification is still temporary need fulfillment. It is all you've known in your existence and you've yet to meet anyone who puts in the amount of effort you do, or anyone who values your time as much as you do their's. In fact, your continuous search for this validation you so hopelessly need, is what drives your motivation to accomplish your own goals. The efforts you've put forward to accomplish these goals are merely to earn the respect and gratitude you sought so desperately. Until the present, when you've finally realized none of that matters. Your good deeds and efforts go unnoticed, unless someone sheds light on them for the purpose of making themselves look better being in your company. So here you stand still on a plateau, wondering if your efforts were for nothing. Your determination has been nothing more than a mission that may never be completed. Here you are, still standing, but left feeling lost and alone. Where is it I go from here?
Standing still and standing alone, are means for re-evaluation. I have a need for understanding and I now seek the drive and motivation to move forward, but in what direction and how? Barriers and obstacles are nothing new to me, but they're always there. There has never been an easy or more desirable path to take. There really hasn't been anyone to lean on, and when there is they eventually move out of my way and allow me to fall. There's nobody there to catch me, and there is certainly never anyone there to pick me up when I fall. I'm just alone and feeling hopeless, alone, and invisible in the world. Then I'm left with the pain of realizing that fall I just took, was harder than I originally thought and left me more broken and damaged than I knew. Is it damage so severe that I can't get back up on my own? You observe your surroundings and notice there's rocky ground beneath you. All around you is desolate desert and mountain tops hidden by clouds that seem endless and unclimable. The clouds covering those endless mountain tops, dark and omnious. There is nothing and nobody around, and you're left wondering where you can go to escape the storm, who will rescue you, and is this the end? Perhaps this is just a nightmare, and none of it is real. Maybe it was all a dream to begin with and you just woke up in a nightmare.
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