Someone once said I reminded them of 'unwrapped innocence.' My first thought was, "So what you're saying is, I'm like a Christmas present? I can dig that." (haha, true story) They went on to describe me more in detail, and I found their perception very interesting and heart felt. He said I was fun to text, chat, or talk with, but nothing was compareable to meeting me in person. I absolutely took that as a compliment, because I suck at technological communication. I would much rather have a phone or in-person conversation. I prefer to observe someone's body language when they speak, and see their expressions to understand the emotion behind their words. He went on to say he could see the walls I've built around myself over time, due to lifes endless challenges. There is no denying this, I only let the world see what I want them to. They can leave out all the rest. Vulnerability is a scary tight rope to walk on. It seems the minute I let those walls come down, sirens go off alerting the other person and they do their best to stay on the side I don't want them on. He goes on to say he believes those walls to be built with laughter, light-heartedness and motherly-instinct. Everyone always tells me I'm funny and is either laughing with me or at my ridiculousness. I hate to see others struggles, and while I pretend I'm not empathic, I absolutely am. I can feel the pain in the words of others. When their heart hurts, so does mine. I try to avoid those emotions, because it only allows my own to resurface and I can't handle all the hurt the universe has thrown my way. It's a hurt that causes me to get lost in my thoughts, and I stop listening. Cause I can't. Or I interrupt the person speaking and later feel rude and disrespectful, but in the moment I'm so consumed with my own thoughts and emotions, sometimes I don't realize I have interrupted until I've interrupted. Sometimes its my way of trying to help them know that I can relate. I don't know, I just know I like to avoid it. Fortunately, it seems that only those bearing the same scars or experiences can detect the walls, and nobody gets over them or senses them unless you allow it. I typically don't and that keeps me safe. He further explained that I would not fully understand how he knows or how closely he can relate, with just words, and in order for me to fully understand his position I would have to experience it with him. Absolutely. You can tell me things all day long, but I want you to show me. Words are nothing to me, unless you can back them up.
I'm a strong personality and a free spirit. I wouldn't really describe myself as the girl you can take home to mom, because when with the right people I can be myself. Myself is a goofy, loud, and inappropriate woman who seeks her next adventure and wants to experience all of the things and loves to laugh while doing it. I love hard, but I don't throw the word around and when feeling those kinds of feelings I have a tendency to back away and sabotage relationships....because it scares me and love hurts. However, if we make it through that barrier...I have a loyalty that is unmatched. I will truly love someone harder than they've ever been loved. I trust and give the benefit of the doubt, because I always tell truth and in return I expect the same. In the same sense, this also leads me to being fucked over or taken advantage of. That sucks, because I am a true asset if I am your friend or companion. People just don't tend to understand that until its too late for them, and they've already been cut off. Truly their loss, because I know the value people should place on me and I pray every day that god sends me a friend like me.
Just one kiss and being kissed the right way....and he says he was able to see all of this, which I would conclude was my most vulnerable moment ever. That kiss however, slipped me into some kind of euphoric parrallel, and the rest of the world kind of disappeared around me. Why? In the history of me, nobody has ever kissed me in such a way. It was one filled with hunger and desire, like he needed that kiss to continue on with life or something. I don't really know how to describe it, without sounding like some mushy romance novel that leads people to vomitting episodes. (Haha) I defintely returned the feeling while in my altered state of oblivion, then nearly fell over as if I were drunk. Not even gonna lie, my head was swimming and my body was like, "Let's drive this eff truck to pound town. Get naked and let's go." (totally serious) Just straight up steamy...unbridled passion. Ahhh-ha-mazing. Anyways, it seriously just could of been one of those really good dreams that end in a mad dash to the store to stock up on batteries. Ha. The world will never know.
Everyone says I have a sort of magnetic energy, but I stopped believing that for a while. Mostly because it seemed the magnet went dead after they got what they wanted in most cases, and they became ghosts. Not even the cool friendly kind. Just souls that used to exist in my life and occasionally reappear when a need arises. On a romantic level, it was basically the same....however there had to be some return there for it to be a viable relationship. Initial phases, they'd go all out. Then, get what they want and their feelings begin to become meek. Eventually, I'm left feeling unwanted, used, and unworthy. Example: My recent ex-husband, wouldn't even kiss me on the mouth. Why? "It's just not my thing." However, early in the relationship, we were makin' out like high schoolers in the back of the bus on a field trip. Eventually, asking him for any kind of attention made me feel as if he were inconvenienced. Then, the end. Single again at almost 40. So, for a kiss to send me reeling in such a way and to experience an overwhelming amount of passion...but also feel as if I am the center of the universe in the most intimate moments, is absolutely amazing to feel. And shit...confusing as fuck. You wanna get all lovey dovey for a second, until your brain fights its way past your heart and says, slow down bitch. Then you're sitting there like, fuck I just met this guy. Put a hold on that shit, get to know him, and make sure he's not one of the wolves who have so cleverly tricked you in the past. DUH. Remember that shit, for sure. Then fear chimes in...but it needs to shut the fuck up for now, so its tucked back away. Just confusion left, which creates a little anxiety...then you become the awkward, anxious and giggly-ass bitch. Lord hammercy. Then pooof. Ghost. Defense mechanism activated, relationship sabotaged. I suppose it is easier for me to just move on and forget, rather than feel embarrassed or ashamed for feeling.
It is probably the shittiest feeling in the world to feel like you have to hide your feelings behind a mask, due to the fear of possible rejection or the fear that the other person is merely a con artist. I will never understand why people cannot just be in your face and forthcoming...there's a 50/50 chance they're going to get what the want or need, without being fake and misleading. If not, who fucking cares...move on to the next one. Instead, we roam the earth either being the one who falls for the fake bullshit, or you're the ones shelling it out. Point blank...if you're going to ask the question, "What are you looking for?", prepare for the answer, listen to the answer, and if you cannot fulfill the need presented before you...Explain it or don't, and get the fuck on. I have wasted way too much of my time on bullshitters and users, and being a good-natured human should afford me enough respect and understanding on the other end, that you should pass me up and give me a damn break. You see, that's why I put those walls up. That's why I am who I am, and I can so easily dispose of people. That's why I don't know a good thing as it stands before me. THAT is why I now wander this planet, feeling lost and out of control of my own world. Overwhelmed by sadness and regret.
Life is not a game....there are no rules to learn, only lessons. I have been taught plenty, and I'm looking for a peaceful and happy ending.
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