I set all of the bridges on fire, took a wrong turn and got lost, and the dudes keep giving me bad directions...

 I have the attention span of a squirrel and that's why it is hard for me to explain myself verbally. I can generally sense the discomfort some people have when I unload my word vomit, and I don't blame anyone for feeling awkward or not knowing what to say. I'm a strange human being that is difficult to read and understand. Please know, if I'm divulging my thoughts that are all over the place, my words are not meant to be taken personal and are not necessarily directed towards anyone in particular. They're just running through my head like a hamster on a wheel and venting can typically slow them down. The rumonating thoughts that cloud my mind are usually onset by situations or circumstances I am faced with, and are more easily processed with the bare minimum of information, but can only be processed by speaking them out loud to another human. There are very few out there who know every detail or aspect of my life, but they do exist. They'll never tell. (lol) Either way, you wouldn't know who, what or where to find them. 

All that said, if I confide my deepest thoughts in you, then you are a person of trust in my world and that privelage is sacred. If you decide to disrespect the sacrement, you will no longer be source of trust, that means I'll have your back just the same as you have mine.  If ever you need reassurance that on who or what my words are connected to, all you have to do is ask. All I ask? Don't jump to conclusions or make assumptions, without first addressing the issue with me. That gos for no matter what it is. There are never stupid questions, but continuing on throughout life without gaining knowledge you didn't have before....THAT my friend is stupid. Moving on....

I don't have a lot of people and I greatly value the ones I do have, especially when they are near by. However, as our lives have evolved and adjusted in the past 12 months, I've made some shocking observations and in turn realized even most of those I know can be there if needed, more often than not they won't be there in the most crucial of times. End result? I don't think I ever felt true lonliness until that pivotal moment. Nobody to call, nobody to give me needed advice or direction, just a dark emptiness and feeling of harsh abandonment. Let me tell ya, that sucks. I go above and beyond for my people, at times stretching myself thin, bending and flexing, doing whatever I can to loosen the load on others, but if I turned around and asked those very people for the same it would not be within their means or they would formulate some way to excuse themselves from the task. I assure you, this is a factual observation and not something I have assumed. 

My devastation and sadness over my marriage was largely in part of all of the family we lost in the process. People who I had and considered family before I ever met my husband, and always bragged on my abilities to help others. Initially I thought their words were genuine, but I learned quickly their bragging was solely a ploy to associate themselves with someone who had gained respect and social status within the community, which ultimately made them look better and more respectable in the eyes of others, but also fluffed my ego enough that I would continue providing whatever help they needed, until they eventually drained me of all motivation or willingness to help others. You see, my friends are only my friends when there is a benefit or there is some sort of profitable gain they can capitalize on. Once I have nothing to offer, they go on about their business and I don't hear from them again until they need something. Then there are the ones who are so determined to avoid a returned favor, even when they need the type of help you provide and despite how important, they won't ask or seek you out. Especially if it involves the exchange of money owed. So, I am then tasked with seeking them out and that is all too simple. Their reactions, body language and facial expressions will never get old. What does get old, is the frustration and attitude some have over them owing you or basically treating you as if their to you suddenly became the biggest inconvenience. This obviously warrants a little more assertiveness and advising them there will be no help in the future. It usually doesn't sit well, and they typically find the exits and do not return.

I help people, because I've been in positions where I have needed help, but had nobody to lean on. That is the worst feeling in the world...to just need someone, but feel as if you're alone or invisible in the world. I have sat in my room a multitude of times, in solitude, staring at the walls wondering who I could call or how I would ask. Then, I've called...there was no answer, or someone was too busy to talk, or I explained myself to them, but knew they weren't even listening or their tone conveys they feel inconvenienced. I imagine them hanging up and thinking to themselves they are glad the call is over, and without a second thought going back to their busy lives as if the call never happened. Recently, I had locked my keys in the car and called upon a friend for help, whom I had helped recently amidst similar circumstances. They never showed up to assist. However, when they called at 2am with a flat tire, I not only let them use my roadside assistance...I also sent them funds via cash-app to replace the tire, with the understanding they'd pay me back. I've yet to be paid back, and have seen them out at the casino a handful of times. Conveniently, they no longer answer the phone when I call. I can't help but wonder what their thought process is when they see my name come across the screen, before hitting ignore. Do they consider what a good friend I was to them? Or do they consider how much I need the money, because I am a single mother doing everything on my own...knowing nobody helps me, and no child support comes in. Or is it more along the lines of, "shit. she wants money and I have just enough to go to the casino again."Who knows, I just hope they are human enough that they at least feel bad and have some intent to pay me back if they happen to win big. Chances are...the chances of that happening are slim to none, so I just take it as it comes, they reap the benefits and I learn a lesson. Lesson? Less genorosity and more paying attention to how people truly are. 

Unfortunately, I run into the same type of thing in the dating world. I am not one to judge others, hold their pasts against them, or give them less than the benefit of the doubt. I'm not ignorant to a lot of things, and I can usually dodge those things at the first indication of being there. However, my spirit animal is apparently a bull...and I will charge head first into the red flags. I'm naturally a caretaker and giver by nature. I enjoy helping people and showing them how to help themselves, but also getting to observe their success and accomplishments. Its rewarding for both parties, and what's better than getting to share in those victories? I hate to see others struggle and if there is something I can do to relieve some of that, I am absolutely willing. However, these characteristics are what most often lead to trouble, and the predators of the world take full advantage of those benefits and take my kindness for the weakness it has truly become. Its like they can sense how forgiving I am, and believe no matter what they do I'll forgive them and still be around. I might once or twice, admittedly, but I also eventually get sick of getting the bare minimum in return or see them for who they truly are. This is when I have total disregard for them as a person, and have no issue cutting them loose and burning the bridge. It is always my hope they will learn a lesson or feel my absence and regret it, but when I've crossed paths with them beyond that, it usually seems as if they were completely unaffected. I'm not sure which hurts worse; the disappointment that they were no different than the last person who did the same, or the fact that they so easily moved on without regret or remorse, as if I meant nothing and never really mattered to them to begin with. Sad truths, when sitting alone with your thoughts. 

If you cross paths with any human I have had the pleasure of knowing or providing any kind of services or assistance to, they always have something kind to say or brag on me for the things I am capable of accomplishing or what I accomplished for them personally. They often say things like I'm kind, I'm funny or something in regards to my community involvement. Either way, it is unlikely you will hear something bad. If you do hear something negative, I strongly suggest asking for confirmation or evidence that you are receiving accurate information. Chances are, the person feeding you full of negative information and lies, probably wronged me in some way and that is their way of shifting the blame. All the same, ask me, I have no issue with taking accountable for my actions or telling the truth. I also do not harbor ill will or hold grudges, chances are I have already forgiven them and they're stuck holding onto guilt, shame and hate for what they did. Everything we experience in life is meant to teach us lesson and build strength within us. In that aspect, nobody is unique or different. 

I am 37 years old, and can honestly say I am shocked I am still here and for that matter fighting the good fight. Since an early age, I have experienced a multitude of traumas. If you are familiar with ACE study, you will understand when I say I scored a 9/10. It is a ten question survey, with yes or no answers. Each question on the survey is based on childhood traumas you may have expierienced before you turned 18. The higher the number, the more trauma experienced. There can multiple levels of trauma, some beginning as early as inutero. This data is compiled to determine the correlation between adverse expieriences in childhood and how those experiences effect us adults. So far, it has proven to be very interesting information and even evidences physical and emotioanl affects trauma can have on our minds and bodies. My trauma started early and quite literally continued throughout my life in many forms and facets. Physical and mental abuse/neglect early on within family, then as an adolescent and adult in romantic relationships. I experienced multiple losses, including some of the people I allowed to be closest to me. I was physically abused by multiple partners, in one case sustaining injury that had the potential to be life-threatening, and in another case forced sexual intercourse resulting in viable pregnancy. Some traumas I witnessed, some were self-inflicted, and some direct. Anyone who has known me a number of years, would probably tell you they are amazed or admired I survived all that I have. However, from my own perspective it was so consistent and prevalent that it was almost a demographic norm, or at least it was my norm and seemed as such. 

When I share my story with others, it is never in the way of wanting attention or sympathy. Typically, if I am sharing, it is on a level of understanding or relatibility that is meant to be of benefit or to build rapport with the listening party. In some regard it is a tool to build trust or to help the other party understand my reactions or mannerisms, especially when it comes to a romantic partner. In that case, I only divulge necessary parts at the necessary times, In doing so I feel I am providing knowledge to avoid issues that may arise or situations that can be better handled. Instead, it seems I open a door to predators who have the intent use those vulnerable areas to their advantage. Ultimately, I have trouble understanding how someone can justify their own actions and hear of such things happening to someone, but yet repeat the same behaviors or worse, having no remorse knowingly hurting someone yet again. I often think, they must have done me the way they did because they believe I could handle it. Maybe they have the mentality or feeling that I fell for it before, let's see how far we can push and how much we can get out of the deal. Someone who claims to love you, but inflicts similar traumas upon you and already knows what you have endured. They then gaslight and want for you to believe it is something you have caused and that's what they had to 'resort' to, and that is probably what transpired the first instances. Thus, the reasoning I could never understand how someone who knows what I have already endured could add to that pain, or in some cases cause more. Furthermore, attempt to justify the harm they've caused or minimize it in a way in seems like a lesser evil. It takes a special kind of person, and so it seems I am a magnet for those types. Eventually you succumb to the pain and search thru your memory bank in an effort to determine cause and effect, the search seemingly endless. You take the blame, because this time you thought you used better judgement. Just like before, you chose to focus on the good you found and in turn looked over the bad. The more you give, the more that is taken...and you allow it. You allow it, because you continue giving and giving...eventually leaving yourself with nothing more to give and it still was not enough for the other person. Instead, you become useless to them and brushed off into the discard pile, because you never mattered and they only leached every ounce of what you had to offer. Now, there is nothing and it is time for them to move on. Game over.