Dear sweet diary,
Am I really that screwed up, or I am just...screwed? Who effing knows. What I do know, is my mind is a maze of complexeties I do not even understand. Let me just give you the rundown of the most recent man-encounters I have had. Well, wait. Let's just start with the facts. I waited months before I jumped head first into the dating sespool and hit my head on the bottom. Let me just give you the rundown on how that has gone...For starters, I tried the Facebook dating app out. Epic Fail. While it is useful when you're bored, the vast majority of the men are useless. Nothing good has come of that app, steer clear. Its basically Tinder's awful step-sibling that nobody should like. Then there's the good old fashioned way, or those chance encounters that go nothing like what you see in movies...or they do until they become epic tragedies. The few I've experienced went well the first date, maybe even resulted in a second, and then my life was compared to the television show, "Shameless", and then the dude ghosted me without explanation. I'm sorry, but Fiona is hot and if that's who you're comparing me to I'll take it. Apparently, Fiona just wasn't his type? Who knows, he never hit me up again for me to find out. See ya around, buddy. Those failures ultimately resulted in a second try with the husband and that tragic stab at reconciliation ended terribly, left us on non-speaking terms, but also exposed truths I would love to just forget about forever. Then, I went thru a waiting period once again. Life gets lonely guys, especially when most of your friends suck or are shitty and the few that are of quality have their own busy lives to live. Anyways. So we pull up the bootstraps and tag ourselves back in, hoping and praying for a better and more desireable outcome. What's that universe? Ohhh, you wanna turn my story into a B-list Romcom? Go right ahead. The universe sends in an almost exact replica of the ex-husband, only his muscles are bigger and he isn't as pretty. I hit the buzzer on that one almost immediately, gave him the rundown on why and sent him on his merry way. Then I had to explain again. A few weeks later, and again. He just didn't get it and probably never will...because he is aware he is attractive and I'm assuming believes I am sub-standard where his looks are concerned an eventually I'll give in because he's cute. Not happening, never will. That's why you made this blog post, ya dummy. Then you meet those really great ones that are attractive, have their shit together, but women have fucked them over just as much as men have you, so they're are just kinda doing their own thang and are basically living the, "Fuck bitchs, get money", kind of lifestyle and just need a 'temporary companion' every now again. Not a bad trade off when you totally understand where they're coming from. They'll hang around and let you keep them around for a while, but they are typically inconsistent and have busy schedules. We also cannot forget about the run of the mill garden variety, the undercover player types. They dish out the charm, tell you all the things about all the things you wanna hear, then in the words of Reo Speedwagon they, "take it on the run, baby." They're just in the game, to win the game. Swoop in, sweep ya off those feet and drop ya on your head and leave you wondering what on earth you did to deserve this. They're also the most common, and personally I believe are what we all consider 'Fuckboys.' Finally, there's the rare and almost extinct: The good guys. These ones are difficult to find and identify, and when you do you more than likely won't know it. Whatever do I mean? Well, this is where the am I screwed up or just screwed part comes in. Picture this, you meet someone who appears to have the whole package and then some. They're amazing and you are baffled, because typically the universe sends damaged goods, slightly damaged goods, then close-out and clearance. You ever pulled something off a rack and noticed a very different price than the rest of items that are exactly the same. Then, you realize it is the only one in that size but the tage says it costs considerably more than the one next to it. There's a minor defect, which is what caused the markdown. All sales are final, so you're either stuck with it no returns, or you decide not to buy it at all. One of two things happens, either you buy the defective one that's cheaper and hope for the best...maybe you can fix it. If not, it didn't cost much in the first place and the others may go on sale eveuntally. Either way, in the end if you wait for the others to go on sale it is likely there won't be any left or the ones that are left are not the right fit. At least that's how I have come to see it, but you are welcome to correct me if I'm wrong.
Interesting analogy if I do say so myself, and if you get it you get where I am coming from. This is the issue I am having and I presume others like me can relate? Or perhaps they cannot. I have met some interesting characters in the dating scene, to say the least. However, I have also met some men who seemingly having some potential and its a wonder they're even single. The part that's the issue, is the wonder. The way my brain operates is to be observant and aware, but these men are the weakness. I am trusting and honest, so I expect others are too...leading me into giving them the benefit of the doubt. Some apparently see that as the weakness and unfortunately thrive on it to achieve the goal they've set out to accomplish and then you come to realize they are nothing more than a 'Fuckboy,'and you just fell for it again. Thus, you're left with utter confusion and trying to wrap your head around the entire situation and doing your very best to process pertinent information, resulting in a 'fuck-it'attitude. You either nose-dive into the rabbit hole and beg for the signs you did the right thing. If all esle fails, you discard them and send themp packing. That's the part that really sucks. You become so desensitized over human nature and narcissitic assholes, who are only out for themselves and to get their dick's wet. Ufortunately, you have seen it go down one too many times, and this is the contributing factor for your decision-making. So, you over-think, fish for reasons to cut them loose, or charge right into the red-flags, again hoping for the worst and preparing for the best.
I have plead my case until my face is blue, I have shared my story and explained how traumatic things have been and begged for truth and honesty, only to continue to be dealt the same hand of cards and be left with the same bullshit. This has left me feeling like an emotionally unavailable savage, and so very ignorant human being. I feel this way, because in spite of my efforts, explanations and communicating openly...They're clearly not listening, unaware, and just give no fucks. They want what they want and could care less about who they're stepping on to get there. They don't get to witness the aftermath or get to feel how deeply bruised your heart and ego are, because they accomplished their self-serving mission. They're left feeling accomplished and unaffected emotionally, while you're left feeling bewildered and confused. They move onto their next victim and you harbor resentment and rage. The end result? A 'fuck-it, no fucks given'attitude and potential for missed opportunities with the rareist of the rare or decent men who are just as deserving as you, despite yourself feeling unworthy or as if you are not good enough. It is also impossible for you to clearly identify which of the aforementioned men you are being faced with and in turn you continuously seek out the bad in people or the possible red flags, and this potentially makes them think you're insane or something, causing them to revert to memories of past situations or feelings of avoidance where you are concerned. Thus, the shitshow of our lives.
I can count on one hand and less than five fingers how many men I have encountered that have potentially been the one the rare of the rare. One attempted to do everything on my terms while in pursuit, and communication between the two of us became less and less, until there was none and we both moved onto the next circus. The there's the more recent someone and is still in the runnings. The chemistry is definitely there, there is attraction on a deeper level and a lot of back and forth communication. However, due to constant worry and anxiety surrounding possibly screwing things up, we hold back. We want what we want, but we don't initiate or execute. We hope they'll make the moves for clarity, and we put the bare minimum out in an effort to keep our guards up. There are patient people in the world, but as humans we are also the most impatient. Ultimately, we feel ruined and damaged or at times incapable of determining such decisions, robbing ourselves of opportunity in order to remain safe and guarded. We also cannot find our way out of that rabbit hole and continue to find the flaws and everything bad in people, rather than seek truths to lead us down the appropriate paths. So here we are. Optimistic about the treasure we think we've found, but lost and confused on who he is, what are his actual intentions, how he came along and chose you, why he chose you, where is it going from here and how in the fuck are we going to determine all of this without screwing it up? The questions which umbrella the whole dilemma.
What does one do to negate these feelings and avoid throwing away meaningful relationships they are deserving of? How do we identify the good from the bad? Or do we just continue on with the repetition of insanity and hope eventually the truth will reign down upon us and uncloud our foggy brains? I don't want to think the worst of people or jump to the worst possible conclusions, but I also do not want to feel that kind of hurt again. Regardless, my major point is that I hate cats and I am allergic to them.
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