Hello...Is it me you're looking for? Sorry, wrong number.

 Hello…Is it me your looking for?

Probably not, but thanks for asking? This is the million dollar question, but if you’re asking does it actually matter? I’m gonna guess not really. Why, you ask? Well, because all that typically matters is what YOU are looking for and even if it is something totally different, you’re still going to pursue your goal. You’re just figuring out how easy or difficult its going to be. (Oooh. I’m smart, huh?)

When it comes to females, you must first consider the obvious. We are conditioned from a very young age to expect a prince to come swooping in on his white horse, and sweep us off of our feet. The expectation is they will be madly in love with us, have hearts in their eyes, and we will live happily ever after ruling the kingdom. Eventually, as we grow older we learn these fairytales aren’t quite accurate, but still subconsciously expect something similar in the least. As adults, we are in hot pursuit of the American Dream. White picket fences in the suburbs, SUV’s with stick figure families on the back window glass, and two-parent households with happy couples, our own soccer team of children, and perfectly trimmed front yards. Reality ends up being a real slap in the face, because life is nothing like the portrait society has painted. Yet, it is still always there in the back of our minds and is the standard we have set to measure our life’s goals against. 

The harsh reality in my world is nothing close to the above. I was raised by a teenage mother, basically fatherless and born into poverty. My mother made a whopping $2.50/hr when I was born, and rarely received child support. We moved a lot, we didn’t have a lot, and I went without a lot of things my friend’s parents could afford, but were just not in our budget. My mother was searching for love and the only real model relationship I had to base my own relationships off of, was that of my maternal grandmother. She divorced my maternal grandfather when I was two years old and remarried a man after two months of knowing him and is still with today. He is a man 13 years younger than herself and you would think they hung the moon for each other. My grandmother can do no wrong where this man is concnerned. Their favorite phrase for each other is, “I love you to the moon and back,”which is also presented on the charm attached to the necklace he bought her for one of their anniversaries. She loves to dance, so he poured her a patio big enough to double as her own personal dance floor, and they utilize it quite often. This is a man who loves his wife enough that he will watch her favorite soap operas while she naps or is away, just so he can fill her in. More recently, he took time off of work due to his worry over her missing appointments and not leaving the house because her hair isn’t done, after sustaining a shoulder injury that required physical therapy. Anyone who knows my grandmother, knows she will not leave her home or have company over unless her hair has been curled. Her shoulder injury limited her range of motion and she was unable to curl her own hair. Therefore, my grandfather felt it his duty to stay home and get up in the mornings to curl her hair for her. On any given day, my grandmother might complain about cleaning up after him or his clutter, but she’ll also tell you it doesn’t matter how mad she is at that man…if she walks into walmart and hears their song, “The Chair,”by George Straight, all of her madness disappears and she loves him all over again. My grandmother’s unique personality and wild demeanor brings a smile to anyone’s face, and choosing a younger mate was probably in her benefit, because it has definitely kept her young and full of spunk. My grandfather absolutely adores her wild and chaotic personality, and is constantly laughing at her silly shenanigans and telling stories of their hilarious adventures. Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for better role models where relationships are concerned and I like to think they have both been major contributors to my own character. I have the wild charisma of my grandmother and the nurturing patience of my grandfather. My grandfather may have hung the moon, but my grandmother put the stars in his eyes. If you want a more visual/auditory perspective of my grandparents, listen to the song, Ïn Spite of Ourselves,”by John Prine. Personally, I prefer the version covered by Niko Moon and his wife Anna. 

So you ask what am I looking for? Well, its simple. I’m looking for my best friend and partner in crime. Someone who loves me naturally and unconditionally…flaws and all. Someone who appreciates my quirks and laughs at my ridiculousness. Someone I can call when I’m excited, sad, mad, whatever and genuinely cares that I have been affected in some way. A man who isn’t afraid to help me put my hair up when I can’t lift my arm high enough after hurting my shoulder. A man who is considerate of my feelings or inabilities, and steps in to take some of the weight off of my shoulders. A man who appreciates what I’ve been through…so much so that he makes every effort to ensure he doesn’t cross those lines and protects me from the hurt in the world. Love that doesn’t have to be forced or begged for and just is. Affection without asking or initiating. A man that walks up and hugs me when I’m having a meltdown, even though he knows I hate hugs. Someone who treats me right, puts me first, and fights for me when I have given up fighting for myself. A man who has seen me at my absolute worst, but is the superhero that saves me from myself and just wants to make my life better. A man whose only benefit from loving me, is his love being returned. No gimmicks, no tricks. A man who has no problem grabbing me by the hand and pulling me out on the dance floor, even if he can’t dance. Better yet, someone who isn’t afraid to jump up and sing his favorite song in a dive karaoke bar and jump in the car for some ridiculous adventure I have conjured up (like, Oklahoma’s first oil well). A best friend and adventure partner I can make memories with and stop the continuum of wasted time and energy.

At 37-years-old I am finally realizing how much time I have wasted on people who didn’t deserve even a minute of my time. Yet, I still put in most of the work and fought to keep them around. I so desperately just wanted to be loved and for that void to be filled, and in turn only created a larger hole in my heart and voids that may never be filled. I built a bigger wall that may never come down. If and when it does, its going to take someone very special or it will be crashing down around me as I self-destruct. So what I am truly looking for? All of the above…but wait there’s more…If at any point you are unwilling or incapable of the above, the please be decent and man enough to fold. Understand that I have already been through hell and back, and I have reached a point in my life where enough is enough. Have enough courtesy and respect to understand that me and my kids are undeserving of the hell we have managed to survive and we deserve nothing less than the best. Have the balls to turn and walk away, because you and I both know if you cannot or just will not make the effort I am requesting, you are only out for one thing and that thing is a temporary fix that you know is a dime a dozen. It’s all or nothing and if you can provide all of it, then have the decency to spare us. I would absolutely rather be alone and lonely, than have to experience the hurt I have in this lifetime. I am only human and my intentions have always and will always be good.